Fire in the belly

I’ve been blessed with a healthy body and a sharp mind, but cursed with a fundamental misalignment of spirit.

I've always been drawn by intensity. Always looking for the highest of highs. As a young guy I could spend entire weekends without sleep, either roaming the streets or lost in books or video games. I'd lose myself in daydreams or in epic stories of courage and honour. I'd read about greek heroes, conquistadors or men of honour. I wanted that kind of experience in life. I wanted to be courageous. I wanted to go for glory.

But we live in a society

This same impulse, combined with the dread and emptiness of life in modern times has driven me to unhealthy indulgence, bordering on substance abuse. I've gone too far, driving myself to the brink of injury and into trouble with the law.

At first, it was just about having fun and I thought it was OK, since everybody else was doing it.

The truth is I was doing it the most.

As with anything else, I took it a step further.

There is a bright side to this nature: I can go fast. Faster than anybody I know. Learn faster, do faster. I feel almost invincible when it comes to work.

But I don't kid myself. I grow bored quickly and I make terrible decisions. I lose jobs, I piss people off.

A lot of energy, maladjusted

At some point around my Saturn Retvrn I understood I had a problem to solve. It took me many years to come even close to solving it.

I lacked a reason why

I have a love/hate relationship with the world, and I find it very hard to stop. Drinking, taking drugs, living and playing hard give me the most intense of experiences, which is what my soul desires — to go above and beyond. Many times I've thought of stopping, because suffering the consequences of my actions can be severe at times.

But I never truly wanted to stop

Here are some things I've tried:

Behavioural psychology / the Adlerian way

The mindset is that there must be something fundamentally wrong with you. I've gone through a few of these types of shrinks, but they all work similar. Get clean first, then work on your troubles. This is good and all, but there's nothing beyond that, except a diagnosis.

Addiction psychotherapy

Take pills. Get clean. Again, then what?

12-step programs

Extremely satisfying at first. Community, involvement. Voicing your troubles and find there are many others in this journey.

But the mentality here could be narrowed down to: you are powerless, and fundamentally worthless. Things are out of your control, and the only way for you is the way of restrain, forever. There's nothing on the other side.

There's a reason why so many of them relapse and relapse. You have some cool old folks there who really managed to do it, and the program will push you to insight on you. But the objective is to bring you down. To crush your soul, make you a slave.

This was never my way, and I inevitably clashed with this system.

Coaching

A community and a container designed for personal empowerment. I am a happy part of the Zenpreneur movement created by Mr. Mario Lanzarotti. In this community, you are pushed to become your own life's creator. This resonates with me and has helped me a lot through dark times. I recommend it. It has made me a functional person and it has given me hope, and shown me what my goals are. A crucial step.

While I've made significant progress, I recognized that I needed to fully commit to breaking the cycle of self-destruction, rebirth, climbing to the top, and falling back down again.

Enter the way of the esoteric

I have a profound fascination with the occult. I'm drawn to it. From religions and cults to enigmatic figures, ancient civilizations and myth, horror movies and magic, and everything in between. This is a vast world, extremely difficult to navigate. I’ve always watched it from a distance, hesitant to engage.

In one of many expeditions down YouTube rabbit holes, I found something that drew my attention immediately. This random video called "REJECT DEMOCRACY 🌎 EMBRACE THE CASTE SYTEM!", by a...... Yoga instructor?

I checked it out immediately, of course. It turned out to be a profound reflection on personal nature vs the Leviathan. And the speaker is a guy, unafraid of speaking freely – something I respect. A quirky but interesting way of introducing many Sanskrit terms and tantric concepts, too, from the ancient tradition, not the modern, watered down new-agey way.

Ride the Tiger Yoga... interesting

Then I went down more and more videos about demonology, alchemy, consciousness, ancient doctrine, you name it.

Fast-forward two weeks later, and I'm a student.

Mind you, I've been to many Yoga schools. My wife is a Yoga instructor, ffs. I sensed something in the practice but grew immediately bored. Must've been a combination of the student body, the lack of gravity or grandeur, the magazine aesthetics, or the love-is-everything kind of chanting.

But let me tell you, this is different.

Images of fire and lightning, a ram roaming through the mountain rocks, under black clouds, moonless night, blood and thunder and inferno.

Now, that's more like it

So this is more than Yoga, then. This is a full-on Tantra school with tints of the occult, and a dark and extremely satisfying aesthetic.

Tantra, from the very little I've come to understand, is a perennial tradition, a way to understand the nature of reality. And a way to develop one's potential by expressing one's true nature. Integrating body, mind, spirit, through the exploration of consciousness.

Now, I don't know what crazy sinchronicity this was.

But I guess when the student's ready, the master appears.

So the first requirement is to walk the right-hand path. This means getting completely clean –"climbing the mountain" towards self-mastery and the dissolution of the ego. Most schools end here, apparently. This one goes further, but I'll talk about that some other day.

So here is the secret: Getting clean as a challenge.

In order to access something more. That's what I needed to hear.

My true desire is not to stop consuming this stuff. I love a cold beer, more than most, and a good glass of red wine looking at the sunset over the sea. Or the sensation of a worn-out body after a full night of dancing to the most incredible electronic music, the kind that pulses through your veins. I love these things.

But before anything else comes my inner flame, and I was simply stifling it.

I'm now walking the ascetic path. This is just the beginning.

• No cigarettes

• No coffee

• No alcohol

• No drugs

• No hot showers

It's gonna be quite a journey, and a challenge sparked with a sense of excitement, sinchronicity and anticipation.

A very welcome fire in the belly